Wrestling

5am and fighting to fall asleep. Just drunk some sleep aid, hopefully it kicks in soon and I can finally rest my wrestling mind. Thinking about the past, thinking about the present, and wondering about the future. What will it hold? Hold for me, my baby girls, my family? Completely lost and exhausted. Oh my birthday is coming up in a few days, and I have no clue what I should do. Im always the one planning birthday parties for everyone but never had one myself, yes, sad but true. I have to plan my own or just plan something fun to do on that day. I want to take a trip back home, a trip I was planning to take as a family, take my husband and kids to see where I’m from but that dream came to an end. Maybe some day soon I can take my girls with me to see where mommy is from. Money is tight and I don’t think taking a trip is the right thing to do right now even though I really need and deserve one after all the shit I’ve been through. Still going through! God, I would love to go home and just feel free and have fun. Remember the care free young me. My ex husband said he will pay for half the trip but it won’t feel right especially because it won’t be the way I truly wanted it to be. So I would rather go on my own when I can pay for it, by myself and or with my girls. So, let the planning begin, just don’t know where to start but here goes. It’s 5:36am, not sleepy yet. I’m going to shut everything thing down and hopefully fall asleep. Goodnight world.